I pulled into the parking lot that Tuesday morning in the same way I had for the last 2 years, except this time, something was different.
I had spent all Monday night dealing with a pukey kid. Dallas had inexplicablly began puking on the way home from school. I was pregnant with Addison and the smell had me at my wits end. I was very thankful that my coworker carpooled with me and took care of him and the mess. I called my mother after dropping Stephanie off. Her and my father were out of town in San Antonio. I told her that Dallas kept throwing up and asked her when they would be home. They were in the middle of the meeting and so she whispered in a hurry that they would be back Tuesday morning. I got off the phone embarassed for calling and interrupting their meeting and wishing that they would just hurry home tonight. At that moment, nothing would have made me feel better than my parents being nearby to help me with Dallas.
We got home to the delicious smell of Bean Soup in the crockpot. Of course, with all the sights and smells I had on my journey home, I wanted nothing to do with it. I laid on the couch with my son in arms and tried to comfort him in between bouts of vomit. Finally, just before 1:00am, he stopped throwing up as mysteriously as he had started. I looked at Jayson and sad "Honey, I have a big day tomorrow, I have got to go to bed, will you please stay down here with him in case he throws up again?" Jayson said yes and I went up to bed. I had a restless night, no dinner and a baby twirling around in my belly to boot. I wondered if I, too, was going to get the stomach bug that had plagued my son.
The next morning came too quickly, in order to be at my job in time, I usually leave the house aroun 5:45a.m. We put Dallas in the car armed with trash bags and paper towels just in case.I picked up Stephanie and headed to Irving. I was so hungry from the night before that right before I got to Dallas' babysitter's house, I stopped at the donut shop for my favorite pregnancy treat, an eclair.
I pulled into the parking lot that Tuesday morning in the same way I had for the last 2 years, except this time, something was different. Marta's door was wide open and I thought I saw my sister Debbie. I wondered what she was doing there at 6:00 in the morning. My lack of sleep couldn't comprehend what she could be doing there and I got out and told Stephanie to wait. I walked to the door apprehensively because now I knew for sure it was Debbie and Pastor Mcfarland (my father's coworker) and Jackie (my mother's best friend) What was going on? Debbie looked at me and started to talk. "It's Dad..." she started to cry. In that moment, I thought for sure that my parents had been in a car accident. I remembered the hurried phone call with my mom and I was sure that they had been coming back from San Antonio for me. "It's Dad... she continued, her voice breaking. "He's had a massive heart attack, he's dead" Those words, once out, brought me to my knees. I don't really remember the next part because its more painful than I care to remember. All I do know is that somehow my life had changed in an instant with those stupid words.
I can no longer eat Bean soup, a chocolate eclair, I can't stand the first Tuesday in March, I worry myself sick when my son throws up and I miss my Dad every Fucking Day (It's okay, he told me once I could say that word if I really was hurt).
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Monday, March 1, 2010
Donkey
Dallas can spell. This is a fact that I can no longer ignore. Sunday night, I told Jayson that he needed to bathe Dallas because he smelled like a.s.s. (yes, I spelled it) and Dallas asked "I smell like ass? Why do I smell like ass? Mommy, I don't smell smell like ass, you smell like ass!"
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Clarity
I'm writing this mostly for me. It is long and winded. You are obviously welcome to read it, but remember it is mostly for me. :)
There are a lot of things that I do not remember well. Sometimes, I don't remember what I wore yesterday or what I ate last week. There is however a time in my life that I remember with such clarity that it seems surreal. Three years ago this weekend was the last weekend of my father's life. My father lived relatively close to me and although we didn't spend every weekend together, we did spend a lot of time together. His last weekend was one that we did and now I am so thankful for the memories created that day.
My parents were going to sell their house! Sell their house and move closer to me. We had spent weeks searching websites for homes for sale in my area and had found one on MarbleArch Dr. (see how that memory works?) We looked at it over and over again on the website wondering what it might look like in reality.My Dad made an appointment to see it on Saturday, he asked me to go with them. (I never felt more loved then when my Dad wanted my opinion on something) On Friday, My Dad asked me to look for the house in advance and see how far it was from Irving (where he worked) and how far it was from my house (10 minutes!!). I called him laughing hysterically because I was so lost in that subdivision and he went online (he lived by his computer) and google mapped me out of there. But not before I found the house and said a silent prayer of thanks that my Dad was going to live so close to me (and to a BRAND NEW Target!). I was due to have my second baby in the next couple of months and I knew that Dallas would benefit from having his grandparents so close.
That Saturday, Jayson had to work and so Dallas and I waited for Abi (his name for Dad) to arrive. When they arrived, late as usual, Dad asked me to drive his car since I already knew where the house was. I live on a peninsula and in the year and a half that I had lived in my house, my parents had never seen the lake. So, that beautiful morning, I crossed over Joe Pool Lake. As we crossed the bridge that goes over the lake, my Dad smiled and said "This reminds me of Florida" I looked at him and said "I know! That's why we live here".
We arrived at the house before the realtor and we couldn't wait to get in. We waited all together in the car snacking on Chewy Runts (pregnancy craving) until my Dad said "I'm going to go look." He got out and I can hardly write this because I remember it so clearly (and it kind of makes me cry a little bit). He walked to the front door of this house and was looking around when all of a sudden I saw a quick shadow over him. He ran back to the car and said "Did you see that?" We all said "What?" I had seen it, but it seemed like a trick on my mind. He said "A hawk just flew into that house!" We all looked at him and then burst into laughter "A hawk? Are you Serious?" He started laughing then and we just couldn't get it together. For some reason, we started postulating all these incredible scenes of Hawks taking residence in this house and we couldn't stop. Tears were flowing from laughing so hard.
At one point (No, the realtor was not there yet) Dad reached into his pocket and he pulled out a keyring with 3 keys on it. He said "Where did these come from?" "Ummm, Dad those are your pants, how do you not know what those keys are?" He said "I really don't, I wore these pants on Thursday to ESL and these keys were NOT in them" I looked at him straight faced and said "Maybe the hawk put them there" Which brought us all to tears and laughter again. (Note: To this day, we don't know where the keys came from. They were all the same, there were 3 of them and that's all we know. They didn't belong to the house, the church, and had no brand on them. If there was a book about Dad's life and it needed symbolism, I would say the 3 keys symbolized The Trinity. Some have said, it signified his 3 daughters. I don't know what they were, but he was adamant he did not know and that they just appeared)
The car was warm with laughter and the smell of fruit when the realtor arrived.
We got out of the car and walked into the house. My father fell in love with it immediately. He kept saying "I can see myself here...I can see myself here". I seriously can not hear those words without crying. He seemed so sure. I wanted him to be sure. There was a deep pool and his first concern was for his sweet Dallas. He wondered aloud where to buy a gate to put around the pool. We left the house with excitement and a new found appreciation of hawks. My father confident that the sellers would accept his offer.
We parted ways briefly. My sister Debbie and I had hair appointments and Dallas was going to spend the day in his favorite way; with his grandparents.
Later that afternoon, when I went to pick Dallas up, I found my father in the kitchen. He was preparing dinner. (note: this is really hard to write) He turned to me and said "You can stay for dinner, but you can't eat this" (he was making beef) "I know, I have to get home anyway to make dinner for Jayson" My Dad did something very unprecedented, he came and gave me a long hug. I swear on the life of my children that something made me not want to let him go and like a child I said out loud "I don't want to go" and Dad said "You need to go feed your family, call me when you get home". (A weird request from him, in hindsight a last gift for me)
I left that evening never knowing that that would be the last time I saw my Papi. I can feel the warmth of his arms around me still, His breath in my hair as he told me to call him when I got home.
I got home and called the house and my Dad ANSWERED THE PHONE. (Those who knew him will understand how weird that is)"Dad, I'm home safe and sound" "Good, thanks for calling" "Ok Dad, Love you" "I love you too, Elizabeth, Now go and take care of your family" (My father was not demonstrative in sharing his love, these words haunt and thrill me at the same time)
A couple of days later, "Go and take care of your family" would mean something completely different to me.
There are a lot of things that I do not remember well. Sometimes, I don't remember what I wore yesterday or what I ate last week. There is however a time in my life that I remember with such clarity that it seems surreal. Three years ago this weekend was the last weekend of my father's life. My father lived relatively close to me and although we didn't spend every weekend together, we did spend a lot of time together. His last weekend was one that we did and now I am so thankful for the memories created that day.
My parents were going to sell their house! Sell their house and move closer to me. We had spent weeks searching websites for homes for sale in my area and had found one on MarbleArch Dr. (see how that memory works?) We looked at it over and over again on the website wondering what it might look like in reality.My Dad made an appointment to see it on Saturday, he asked me to go with them. (I never felt more loved then when my Dad wanted my opinion on something) On Friday, My Dad asked me to look for the house in advance and see how far it was from Irving (where he worked) and how far it was from my house (10 minutes!!). I called him laughing hysterically because I was so lost in that subdivision and he went online (he lived by his computer) and google mapped me out of there. But not before I found the house and said a silent prayer of thanks that my Dad was going to live so close to me (and to a BRAND NEW Target!). I was due to have my second baby in the next couple of months and I knew that Dallas would benefit from having his grandparents so close.
That Saturday, Jayson had to work and so Dallas and I waited for Abi (his name for Dad) to arrive. When they arrived, late as usual, Dad asked me to drive his car since I already knew where the house was. I live on a peninsula and in the year and a half that I had lived in my house, my parents had never seen the lake. So, that beautiful morning, I crossed over Joe Pool Lake. As we crossed the bridge that goes over the lake, my Dad smiled and said "This reminds me of Florida" I looked at him and said "I know! That's why we live here".
We arrived at the house before the realtor and we couldn't wait to get in. We waited all together in the car snacking on Chewy Runts (pregnancy craving) until my Dad said "I'm going to go look." He got out and I can hardly write this because I remember it so clearly (and it kind of makes me cry a little bit). He walked to the front door of this house and was looking around when all of a sudden I saw a quick shadow over him. He ran back to the car and said "Did you see that?" We all said "What?" I had seen it, but it seemed like a trick on my mind. He said "A hawk just flew into that house!" We all looked at him and then burst into laughter "A hawk? Are you Serious?" He started laughing then and we just couldn't get it together. For some reason, we started postulating all these incredible scenes of Hawks taking residence in this house and we couldn't stop. Tears were flowing from laughing so hard.
At one point (No, the realtor was not there yet) Dad reached into his pocket and he pulled out a keyring with 3 keys on it. He said "Where did these come from?" "Ummm, Dad those are your pants, how do you not know what those keys are?" He said "I really don't, I wore these pants on Thursday to ESL and these keys were NOT in them" I looked at him straight faced and said "Maybe the hawk put them there" Which brought us all to tears and laughter again. (Note: To this day, we don't know where the keys came from. They were all the same, there were 3 of them and that's all we know. They didn't belong to the house, the church, and had no brand on them. If there was a book about Dad's life and it needed symbolism, I would say the 3 keys symbolized The Trinity. Some have said, it signified his 3 daughters. I don't know what they were, but he was adamant he did not know and that they just appeared)
The car was warm with laughter and the smell of fruit when the realtor arrived.
We got out of the car and walked into the house. My father fell in love with it immediately. He kept saying "I can see myself here...I can see myself here". I seriously can not hear those words without crying. He seemed so sure. I wanted him to be sure. There was a deep pool and his first concern was for his sweet Dallas. He wondered aloud where to buy a gate to put around the pool. We left the house with excitement and a new found appreciation of hawks. My father confident that the sellers would accept his offer.
We parted ways briefly. My sister Debbie and I had hair appointments and Dallas was going to spend the day in his favorite way; with his grandparents.
Later that afternoon, when I went to pick Dallas up, I found my father in the kitchen. He was preparing dinner. (note: this is really hard to write) He turned to me and said "You can stay for dinner, but you can't eat this" (he was making beef) "I know, I have to get home anyway to make dinner for Jayson" My Dad did something very unprecedented, he came and gave me a long hug. I swear on the life of my children that something made me not want to let him go and like a child I said out loud "I don't want to go" and Dad said "You need to go feed your family, call me when you get home". (A weird request from him, in hindsight a last gift for me)
I left that evening never knowing that that would be the last time I saw my Papi. I can feel the warmth of his arms around me still, His breath in my hair as he told me to call him when I got home.
I got home and called the house and my Dad ANSWERED THE PHONE. (Those who knew him will understand how weird that is)"Dad, I'm home safe and sound" "Good, thanks for calling" "Ok Dad, Love you" "I love you too, Elizabeth, Now go and take care of your family" (My father was not demonstrative in sharing his love, these words haunt and thrill me at the same time)
A couple of days later, "Go and take care of your family" would mean something completely different to me.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
I'm sorry
I don't really have a tantrum today. But, I do have a confession.
Lady in the Silver Toyota Highlander at the movie theatre. I lied to you. I did open my car door and bump your car. I did not hit it with my behind as I might have said to you. I'm really sorry. Next time, do not yell at me through your window. Got it?
Lady in the Silver Toyota Highlander at the movie theatre. I lied to you. I did open my car door and bump your car. I did not hit it with my behind as I might have said to you. I'm really sorry. Next time, do not yell at me through your window. Got it?
Monday, February 15, 2010
Every little thing she does is magic....
Addi is killing me slowly. When I was pregnant with her my father promised me that my daughter would look just like me. I fully expected to give birth to a little me with brown hair and eyes...with a little Dora the Explorer haircut. Instead, I got the above...She's absolutely precious, but not what I envisioned. However, when she opens her mouth, I know exactly what my father meant. She IS just like me...she's fiesty, hard-headed and says the first thing that comes to her head. Love this kid...who with every witty that comes out of her mouth kills me just a little bit. Because, I know what's coming......
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
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