Not Me

I did not wear pajamas all day.
I did not try to coax a stray dog to come with me in the pouring rain.
I did not put my kids in the car to look for a lost dog sign.
I most certainly did not let my kids not sit in their car seats while I looked for that sign.
I did not give up on the dog and call animal services.
I did not ask my neighbor to watch my kids so I could go to the library and pick some good books in peace.
I did not go to the library in my pajamas.
I did not just "add a bra" so that I looked more presentable.
That was not me.

just so you know

I can not WAIT for this weekend. The Farmer's are coming.....and that is always a guarantee that I will smile...alot.

there's a reason

that God didn't make me a stay-at-home Mom. I Love, Adore, Worship my kids, but I can NOT be around them for more than 8 hours a day. Maybe it's because I'm an older mother, maybe it's because I'm a less patient person than most. Maybe, just maybe it's because I've created two human beinsgs that know they can scream to get what they want (!) For any reason, they wear on me in large doses. Yet, also make me laugh ALOT. Addison is 2 and her way to get my attention is to repeat several dozen times "Mommy, Look" then repeat what she wants me to see a dozen more. Really, this is only funny when she wants me to see berries (she calls them boobies). I wish I had a dollar for every time I say "Yes, Yes, I see". Now here's the Rub- because I can feel the heat rising in my body every time I hear Addi's blood curling scream or Dallas' beginnings of a fit---I feel like a total failure as a parent. I mean, it's not like I see them so often...this is SUMMER! It's why I became a teacher....to spend time with my kids. So, why am I going nuts and can't wait for school to start? Am I just lazy? Ugghhh....I don't think there is an answer.

growth spurt

I am a short person. There is no denying that when it comes to height, my children are not getting it from me. Imagine my surprise today when we met some friends for a movie and it was noticeable that he had grown since last we saw his friend. I really had a hard time believing it. I mean, he's been sleeping more and eating more, but I think all that might be because he had a growth spurt. I could not get over it. So, this evening during bath time I asked him "Dallas, how did you get so tall?" He quickly answered "It's easy Mommy, I just asked God for it."

don't worry

I asked my son to hug me because I know one day he will be too big and won't want to be hugged on. I said "Dallas, I will love you forever, please don't ever stop loving me" His response? "Mommy, don't worry, I'll never leave you. I'm going to always live with you...in the backyard."

super powers

I freakin' made this!

less intense

Dallas has it in his head that he is going to make a CD. He asks me throughout the day if the song he is singing would be a good one for his CD. He asks if I want a copy of his CD. He wonders if he can make a video to go with his CD. He writes his own songs that usually revolve around rhyming the word "blame". I explained to him that making your own CD is hard because you need to write songs that don't go on and on saying the same thing. :)
He says "Well, I'll work on my songs and give them names and put them on my CD"
"Okay" I say "What's the first song called?" He starts singing "You're to blame....It's your name....I made claim....He's the same....You need pame...."
"Well, what are you going to call it?" I prod.
"Cats" he answers.

and now....

I've been busy, I've been in a rut, I've been teaching summer school, I've been tired, I've been overwhelmed, I'm sad, I'm happy. I've been on a whirlwind tour of emotion these last couple of weeks (months, years). But, it all boils down to this sentence: My mom is getting re-married tomorrow. It should be a happy statement, but I say it through clenched teeth, sick stomach and wry smile. Why is this such a hard thing to say? I haven't spoken to my mother in a long time. Not weird for many, I'm sure. But, good or bad, I've always had a relationship with my mom. Never going for too long without talking, and now nothing. She invited me to the wedding. She passive agressively commented on my facebook status (!) but no other attempt to communicate. I have done everything I possibly could to make sure that she knows I love her, that I don't care that she's getting married, that I am capable of sharing her with others, but she hasn't reciprocated. When my father was alive, he would intercede on her behalf. He's not here, she's not even trying. Agh! So, she gets married tomorrow. I'm not going. I live 20 minutes away. My only excuse? She wouldn't care if I was there anyway, I obviously make no difference to her life as my life is no different aside from the fact that I have this nagging pit in my stomach that tells me that this is not how a family should be. She'll be okay, she has a new family. I'll be okay, I have an excellent family and my children do not lack in people who love them as family. But, I wonder....what is it I want? I think I've realized I want something I've never really had. With my mom, love comes with a whole lot of crap I really don't need in my life. It's a sad reality. So, I want the kind of love that expects nothing in return but love. We can't seem to give that to each other. I recently read a quote that said "being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect, it means you have decided to see beyond the imperfections". I love it. Not having my mom around is definitely not perfect, but I am happy. I have a husband who (for what reason I'm not sure) adores me,my children make me laugh every single day, my sisters and I have strengthened our already strong bond, my brothers-in-laws are amazing, my friends are there for me 100%, I teach DRAMA!!!!. My life is really great and I am done mourning. Everything will be okay.