and now....

I've been busy, I've been in a rut, I've been teaching summer school, I've been tired, I've been overwhelmed, I'm sad, I'm happy. I've been on a whirlwind tour of emotion these last couple of weeks (months, years). But, it all boils down to this sentence: My mom is getting re-married tomorrow. It should be a happy statement, but I say it through clenched teeth, sick stomach and wry smile. Why is this such a hard thing to say? I haven't spoken to my mother in a long time. Not weird for many, I'm sure. But, good or bad, I've always had a relationship with my mom. Never going for too long without talking, and now nothing. She invited me to the wedding. She passive agressively commented on my facebook status (!) but no other attempt to communicate. I have done everything I possibly could to make sure that she knows I love her, that I don't care that she's getting married, that I am capable of sharing her with others, but she hasn't reciprocated. When my father was alive, he would intercede on her behalf. He's not here, she's not even trying. Agh! So, she gets married tomorrow. I'm not going. I live 20 minutes away. My only excuse? She wouldn't care if I was there anyway, I obviously make no difference to her life as my life is no different aside from the fact that I have this nagging pit in my stomach that tells me that this is not how a family should be. She'll be okay, she has a new family. I'll be okay, I have an excellent family and my children do not lack in people who love them as family. But, I wonder....what is it I want? I think I've realized I want something I've never really had. With my mom, love comes with a whole lot of crap I really don't need in my life. It's a sad reality. So, I want the kind of love that expects nothing in return but love. We can't seem to give that to each other. I recently read a quote that said "being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect, it means you have decided to see beyond the imperfections". I love it. Not having my mom around is definitely not perfect, but I am happy. I have a husband who (for what reason I'm not sure) adores me,my children make me laugh every single day, my sisters and I have strengthened our already strong bond, my brothers-in-laws are amazing, my friends are there for me 100%, I teach DRAMA!!!!. My life is really great and I am done mourning. Everything will be okay.